The Girl who cried Wolf

I understand their wariness, I question it myself sometimes. How does one go through two marriages, countless relationships and yet, confess their willingness to spend their life with this person so soon? Didn’t we hear this before, it didn’t end well and left them, me including shaking their heads saying “really-what happened?”

I choose to believe that I am evolving, that those choices I made were the right choices at the time. Yet, there were always things, little things that I chose to overlook, that I chose to live with. Those relationships ending made those little things seem insurmountable over the long run. Yet, at the time I was willing to settle…. Maybe that is the crux of it all, I chose to settle. I found the good things, the positive aspects and chose to ignore the rest. Is that wrong?

I am not perfect, I would be the first to admit that. It has taken me 52 years to learn to love unconditionally. I don’t regret the relationships that have taken me through these steps. I have taken lessons from every one of them, both good and bad. All those experiences have brought me to where I am today.

I know I have met the man I will spend the rest of my life with. I know I have cried wolf and there are disbelievers. However, the difference this time is, I don’t need someone to save me from the wolves. I finally in my heart have no reservations, no questions, no doubts, just answers….It makes crying wolf those times a lesson. A lesson in opening my heart, knowing that I never once gave up, I kept on trying and sharing my hopes and dreams. A lesson that when the right one comes along, there are no naysayers, no doubts, no need to cry wolf because all that really matters is you know and he knows and there is peace and everlasting love.

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Fear….

I realized today that I have lived my whole life in fear. I let opportunities and experiences slip through my fingers because I was afraid. Afraid of failing, afraid of being hurt, afraid of what might happen.

I spent yesterday and today mourning the loss of my second mother, Mavis Allan. When I moved to Waterloo, Mave became my second mom through my best friend Julie. She passed suddenly last week and the funeral was held today. Mave was only 76 years young,   when I met Mave, she was roughly the same age as I am now. What I left with today, was the legacy she left behind. The ceremony was beautiful and a true celebration of Mave, worrywart and all. The eulogies didn’t try to hide her imperfections, they embraced them because that is who Mave was. She was SO loved and as I listened to the memories read aloud, I watched the friends and family gathered, nod and laugh! Will I leave behind that kind of legacy?

I reconnected with a lot of people I let slip from my life. I am fortunate that my friends Pam and Cathy didn’t let me go. After my divorce, I went into a deep vortex and couldn’t get out. They persisted and it is a tribute to them, that I am back in the fold of my first adult girlfriends. What the past couple of days has opened my eyes too, is that I can’t let those friendships go. I am blessed for having them and my life was full, so very full before I caught up in everyday living. Is it hindsight, is it death, is it realizing that life is precious and every minute should count?

That is where fear comes in….I have been so afraid my whole life, that I have lived my life in fear. I didn’t pursue relationships even though it was obvious that, that was a path I could have chosen. I didn’t accept help when I needed it or wanted it. Life will be safer when, I lose 20 lbs, when the kids move out, …. All that leads to is a life of regret.

What I learned today is life doesn’t wait, when your friends look at you from 20 years ago-they still see the same you. They don’t notice the 20 lbs, the wrinkles, the grey hairs, they remember “you.” All those things I worry about and keep me from moving forward, aren’t what people are going to remember. Today was a celebration of life, what friends Mave had, how she was a such a good mother, how she had strong convictions of what she believed was right and wrong and she loved her husband, children, family and friends with utter devotion. They didn’t talk about how she hated her stomach or she felt needed to lose weight. All those things we worry about, don’t matter in the end. What matters is that we love and live our life to the fullest.

I can’t change the past. I am blessed I have the friends I have. I am grateful that after 20 years, those people I hadn’t seen since remembered my name and remembered “our” stories. I have my life now and I have the life past. Can some of it intertwine-absolutely!  What I need  is to remember the Susanne that was then, take the lessons I have learned now, blend the two and throw out the fear. Ask myself consciously, if the fear is preventing me from moving forward? Will I leave a legacy like Mave’s. a full and vibrant life loved and been loved by so many. Will I leave behind a life that was fully lived, with no fear, just embracing all that came my way, a full, rich abundant life?

The best part of life is each day is a new beginning, can i embrace it fully with no reservations trusting only my heart? I say yes, I have lived from a place of fear for so long, it is time to shed that cloak and step fully into my own.

And in time, this too shall pass…..

I have to have faith that I am exactly where i am meant to be. I have to believe that the Universe will provide me with everything I need. I need to believe that I will eventually partner with the “right” person, because why would the Universe want me to partner with anyone less than perfect for me. i am struggling financially at this time in my life with a child in University, and another child requiring child support at his fathers. It is a difficult time when so many of my friends are at that “comfortable” stage in their life when they can travel and are almost done paying off their mortgages. It is difficult for me, as it makes me rethink certain decisions I have made in my life. This is where i am stuck…..

I left my second marriage, I wasn’t in love with him and I wasn’t happy. The impetus was my youngest child telling me, ” I never smiled anymore.” I am not really smiling at lot these days. Could I have made it work? I would certainly be in that “comfortable” stage of life if I had. Can I weigh personal inner happiness against the constant worry of where the money is going to come from and the jealously I feel when I hear of friends travels? They say you shouldn’t feel jealously, it only prevents you from feeling that you can’t have the same experience.Right now and for the foreseeable future I can’t, so it becomes difficult to quell those feelings.

I got to have my retirement early for two years. I opened my own business and since there was no income, I lived off my retirement savings. It was a wonderful two years and an experience that I will never forget. I will at some point will do it again, I have promised myself that. Yet, at 52 years of age, with the knowledge of having to recoup that financial loss to be sustainable on my own in retirement, is that a possibility?

I have on my peripheral, several men from past relationships. I think it speaks to my nature to be able to maintain those relationships. Yet, they are past relationships and for whatever reason, they ended. With every relationship end, I learned things about myself and I am now at the point, that I can set boundaries, boundaries that are for me, for my personal sanity. Would it be easier to say yes and commit to one, one who loves me unconditionally and forge a future together-absolutely. Yet I ask myself, I ended this relationship at least 5 different times, isn’t time I laid it to rest and learn my lessons and move on? Would the Universe want me to partner with anything less than my perfect mate.

So, herein lays the question about faith. Do I trust that the Universe will provide me with all I need, Love,Happiness, Financial Abundance?  I have put my worries out into the Universe and asked for the load to be lightened. On some level, I have faith that I will be heard. For me, my faith is based on God, Creator of all the Universe and all that I am. I believe in manifesting my own destiny but I am stuck and have been for the past couple of months. I have to believe that if I put my concerns and worries out into the Universe that I will  have my prayers answered.Faith for me, is feeling that there is something out there than can ease my burden, even by just asking for help from God, the Universe.  If I didn’t have faith, what would I hold onto in this time of need?

 

If there was a rewind button….

If there was a rewind button;

I would love my 130lb body and not think I was fat.

I wouldn’t have spent so much time worrying about things that I had no control over.

I would have looked inside myself for self acceptance instead of looking to others.

I would have asked for help more often.

I would have made different decisions, a lot of different decisions…

I would have gone to Business School and pursued a real career.

I would have saved more money for retirement.

I would have traveled when I had the chance.

I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to get married and start a family.

I would have worked out more, so it was a part of my life instead of such a chore now.

I would have taken more chances, jumped off the proverbial cliff and flown!

I would spoken my mind more often.

I wouldn’t have been such a people pleaser.

I would have lived my life one day at a time instead of wishing it away.

But there isn’t a rewind button.

I don’t love my body but I am learning to accept it, flaws and all.

I am learning to let my mind rest and look for answers, to put my worries out to the Universe and let the burden go.

I am respecting my body as mine, making decisions that are in the best interest of myself.

I do ask for help when I need it and I have a strong support group.

I would have made different decisions however then I wouldn’t be me as I am now.

I have a fun job that allows me to be a kid at heart!

I got to retire for two years while I had my store.

I will travel!

I have two lovely children who are my life.

Working out is not fun but I am stronger than ever before.

I don’t like heights 🙂

I am speaking my mind, this blog is part of that.

I am learning to say no.

One day at a time is still a work in progress but isn’t life all about learning…..

I have a heavy heart.The tragic events of the past few weeks surrounding the Tim Bosma case have left me wondering what has become of this world? I didn’t know Tim nor his family but I am struck by how much his death has affected me. I literally mourned for his wife and young child when they found his body. While the search was on, I voraciously read the news updates praying for good news.  What was it about this case that struck so close to home? I mourned for the individuals and families in Boston when the bombs went off at the Marathon and was horrified. However, it didn’t strike such a personal chord with me.

Was it the fact that this death struck closer to my home , was it that we saw pictures of Tim’s young family? Was it that anyone of us could have been a victim like Tim was? A friend of mine said that Tim was naive to get into a truck with strangers to test drive a truck? Really…I don’t buy into that. As a woman, perhaps I would have considered not going if the potential buyers were male however I don’t think it is unusual for a man to go with potential buyers. Is our world such that we have to rethink every action we take, do we have to become so paranoid of our every action? I did speak with my son about his online activities, he is 16 and constantly posts Kijiji ads. He often wouldn’t tell me someone was coming to the house until they had been or were on their way. I told him that was not an option any longer, there always had to be someone home when a stranger came to exchange or purchase goods from him. Do I like making him aware there are potential dangers from something as simple as selling something? No, but it is a reality.

I am sickened by the world we live in. I understand that the media perpetuates an image, ” if it bleeds, it leads.”  Maybe that is why Facebook has seen an increase of positive video’s, at least among my friends. Maybe we are all trying to remember that there are good, positive things happening in the world.

I live in Cambridge where an entire community has come together for Kyla, a young girl who needed and received a lung transplant. Kayla has united a city consisting of three distinct communities, Hespeler, Preston and Galt into the City of Cambridge. Our city is decorated with green ribbons of support and Kyla’s Facebook page is inundated daily with positive encouragement from virtual strangers. Her family is constantly reiterating how blessed they feel for Kayla and offer words of thanks and blessings for the donor family.

 

How can we live in a community so rocked on opposite sides of good and evil? How did our world come to this? I do truly believe there are great people in the world however I have come to realize that there are truly evil people as well. I realize that this is nothing new, read any history book to know the facts.

What I do know is that this senseless tragedy has affected me deeply.

Writers Block

I have half a dozen drafts sitting on my computer, taunting me to finish them. I start and I stop. I convince myself that it isn’t worthy and I start another draft. I have ideas, they swirl in my head while in the shower, driving in the car, I could be the author of 2 liners for that is as far as I get. They are brilliant in my head, I scribble them on scraps of paper however expressing beyond the point has become an issue.

Is it fear driven, is it a metaphor for my life or is it simply writers block?

Arghh…..

Take my hand….

Life is a dance of unrehearsed moves. You can learn the steps of a difficult dance routine and that memory will stay with you but there is always something new to be learned, some complicated routine to challenge you.

A friend who has been in my life for over half of it, asked, “Why now, what’s changed?”, as we were navigating some chemistry that bubbled to the surface after 30 years. Life changed. Maybe it was all leading up this moment in time. Our friendship laid a foundation for something more. We have always been friends, it was that night over 2 years ago, where we cracked through the shell of formality and a lifetime of superficiality to really get at the root of who we were as people. We aren’t the same people as we were when we met at 19, I hope we won’t be the same people at 70. Life is all about learning and growing and memorizing those dance moves so when the music comes on, you dance! You correct your missteps that tripped you up and if you don’t, you will keep on doing that same misstep until you finally learn it.

Maybe the music wasn’t loud enough to reach my ears before now. Maybe I didn’t have my dancing shoes on. Maybe our dance card was too full with other partners. Take my hand and let’s dance like no one is watching. Life is too short to question everything, sometimes you just need to hear the music in every moment, every little thing that makes you smile and just DANCE!

Image.

 

 

Fifty was a harder pill to swallow than any other age, like the big fish oil pill, my mom would dutifully make us take every morning during the winter months. The one that kept repeating on you all day and tainting every little morsel of food you had into a seaweed semblance.

Fifty felt like an end, an end of being a nurturing mom to some degree, there weren’t the snuggles and wiping the tears, supermom was still there but she wasn’t needed to save the day.

Fifty felt like a career gone and lost, I didn’t love what I did but I had neither the inclination or finances to head back to school and face it, who is going to hire someone over fifty- when there were lots of fresh young fish in the sea.

Fifty was the time I had five more years to work, the countdown to Freedom 55! Excuse me while I laugh so hard into my wine, that I cry precisely 50 tears because my eyes are dry from old age. Speaking of dry….well, this is a PG blog, so we will move that discussion to another page.

Fifty is when I started to plan my retirement, the funny thing was while my children’s lives were starting at University and double years of both of them attending, fifty was what I was lucky to have left in the bank after payday. And I am not taking $50,000, I am talking more like $50 dollars. So much for living in the south of France during the winter months in Canada.

Fifty is the age spots I now have on my hands, that I dutifully massage Vitamin C into to help them fade, at this rate, I might as well start bathing in it.

Fifty is the odd little hairs, black little pesky buggers I have growing out of very little mole on my body and 50cm is probably the length of the damn hair that I find growing out of my neck. I swear if I could mark my neck with a permanent marker X-I would keep checking there but the damn thing keeps moving. It is only in the right light, usually when I am somewhere I can’t yank it out, that I swear I see it blowing in the wind taunting me.

Fifty is the times I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, either to wring out my night shirt from the night sweats or to pee. It is like being pregnant all over again, what I wouldn’t give for a full toilet rushing pee, a Niagara Falls kind of moment instead of this stream un-thawing in the spring-tinkle tinkle. That’s what woke me up-REALLY….

Fifty is the age I say I am, when I am really 51 and 275 days old. Shh…don’t tell and please just tell me I don’t look it! I will know you are lying but it will be our little secret.

Fifty is middle age, (if you are lucky) and well, I can chose to look at it as a glass half full or glass half empty. Pour me another glass of wine and I will toast to a glass very full, fifty or not!

March 17, 2013

Some days I am incredibly sad. I have been through two marriages and sometimes I let that define me. My itty bitty shitty committee is constantly in my ear, spewing venomous epitaphs of what I did wrong, why it was my fault, how could I do that to my kids and how I will end up spending my life alone.

Maybe I will and maybe I won’t. I don’t mind being alone, I enjoy solitude and when the IBSC is silent, the peace feels right. I know why both my marriages failed. I chose for my first husband, some one who wasn’t sure he loved me enough to marry me. At that point, I should have walked, I should have said I deserve more! But I didn’t, I wanted the house, the car, the 2 children and I thought he would be a good provider. And he was for awhile….financially yes, emotionally no. So after 8 years of marriage, he left to be with another woman. I was left a shell, I had defined myself as a wife and mother.

My second marriage I was just plain tired of doing it alone, I wanted a partner. Someone who could rescue me financially, could plan a life with me. He wasn’t the right one and I knew it. But there was a bond between his children and mine and to preserve that, I moved forward into a life with him. In hindsight, the bond was harder to break when I ended it four years later after my son told me, ” I never smiled anymore.” And I didn’t, I wasn’t happy, so ended marriage two.

I jest about it when questioned and eyes widen at the tale of 2 marriages-“lessons learned” I spout. Were the lessons really learnt? The IBSC doesn’t think so as they whisper, ” well what if you would have stayed, was it really that bad, are you in a better place now? Relentless little buggers as they constantly drift in and out of my consciousness. The bottom line is you can’t go back, you can’t change the past and life will keep giving you the same lessons to repeat until you learn the lesson.

So I am trying to learn the lesson. I still struggle with wanting a lifetime partner, someone to plan a future with. But for right now, there is Me, Myself and I,  and for the foreseeable future that will have to be enough.

March 16, 2013

Dear Son,

This is a letter from my heart. You are newly 16 years and making adult decisions. It is what I have raised you to do, taught you those life lessons so that could you make your own place in this world. Now I have to live with the decision that you have decided to go live with your dad. I understand you want to spend more time with him, I think as a young man that is essential to your emotional health. As close as you and I are, there are things I can’t teach you, understand from a male’s perspective because I am not one. You and I have bonded, now you want that time to bond further with your father, I honor that.

What I am struggling with is my feeling of betrayal. It is my feeling to deal with and assess. This impacts me financially in ways that you can’t imagine. I have worked hard to provide for you and your sister. Your father is now expecting me to pay child support, on some level I understand, he paid for all these years since he left. It will impact me, the money he has always provided, has done that, provided a 3 bedroom house for your sister and you and a comfortable living. With that support gone and having to pay him, the future looks very different for me. A possible house sale and moving into a less expensive apt so I can pay the child support to your father that he clearly doesn’t need. I feel betrayed as you are making this decision without any thought of me. Different house, smaller house, apt? You don’t understand the reality and shrug your shoulders and say okay. So I feel betrayed and I feel guilty that I feel that way. It’s not your job to protect me, it is the other way around. These are my feelings and I have to deal with them.

I don’t feel this is the right decision for you on so many levels. I know things about your dad that you don’t. That he is making this a business transaction and that if I don’t agree to his terms, you can’t live there. That the time he is spending with you now is to entice you but the lure of work and his workaholic mentality will pull him back and that your time will be limited again. That he can’t commit to spending time with you on his one night a week now, his adult league basketball league is more important. When you come from holidays and extended periods with your dad and his new family, you are hyper because you have had to hide your true silly self there. That you have to sneak snacks to eat because they don’t understand that you are growing teenage and could eat constantly. Those late morning sleep-in’s won’t happen because they don’t believe that you need all that sleep to grow. Your father is a good man, I wouldn’t have married him initially if he wasn’t, but he will disappoint you.

I will honor your choice, I will always be here for you, I will always love you unconditionally.This is the first of many adult decisions you will make and I have to let you make it even if my heart is saying it is the wrong one. There comes a time in every young adult’s  life when they realize their parents are human, I wish I could protect you from that. Good luck my baby, my son, my young man.

Love Mom