Some days I am incredibly sad. I have been through two marriages and sometimes I let that define me. My itty bitty shitty committee is constantly in my ear, spewing venomous epitaphs of what I did wrong, why it was my fault, how could I do that to my kids and how I will end up spending my life alone.
Maybe I will and maybe I won’t. I don’t mind being alone, I enjoy solitude and when the IBSC is silent, the peace feels right. I know why both my marriages failed. I chose for my first husband, some one who wasn’t sure he loved me enough to marry me. At that point, I should have walked, I should have said I deserve more! But I didn’t, I wanted the house, the car, the 2 children and I thought he would be a good provider. And he was for awhile….financially yes, emotionally no. So after 8 years of marriage, he left to be with another woman. I was left a shell, I had defined myself as a wife and mother.
My second marriage I was just plain tired of doing it alone, I wanted a partner. Someone who could rescue me financially, could plan a life with me. He wasn’t the right one and I knew it. But there was a bond between his children and mine and to preserve that, I moved forward into a life with him. In hindsight, the bond was harder to break when I ended it four years later after my son told me, ” I never smiled anymore.” And I didn’t, I wasn’t happy, so ended marriage two.
I jest about it when questioned and eyes widen at the tale of 2 marriages-“lessons learned” I spout. Were the lessons really learnt? The IBSC doesn’t think so as they whisper, ” well what if you would have stayed, was it really that bad, are you in a better place now? Relentless little buggers as they constantly drift in and out of my consciousness. The bottom line is you can’t go back, you can’t change the past and life will keep giving you the same lessons to repeat until you learn the lesson.
So I am trying to learn the lesson. I still struggle with wanting a lifetime partner, someone to plan a future with. But for right now, there is Me, Myself and I, and for the foreseeable future that will have to be enough.